That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
