when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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