I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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