I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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