she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You're breaking my sexual little heart
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
