oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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