i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
