I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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