God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
why do cheetos always look like penises
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
