worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
dude. I can hear the air.
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