i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
no you cant smoke seaweed
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
