Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
