I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
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