Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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