I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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