did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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