i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
