What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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