Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
