you lied. pity sex is amazing.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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