someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
