My sheets look like a crime scene.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We're not piercing ourselves today.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
