you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
