i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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