Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
