So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
