it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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