She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
