my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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