so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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