It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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