Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize
