alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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