That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize