apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
