which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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