If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
