He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
