I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
