ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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