i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i need some magic done to my vagina
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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