So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
