I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
