I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He shit in the fireplace
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
