wanna go halves on a baby?
I want to make a zoo with you.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
