I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
