Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
