Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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