She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
