theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
