have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
