He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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