I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
