I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
sarcasm needs its own font
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
