If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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