I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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